by Tim Park, City Church Deacon
“Go to the ER as soon as you can to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. Scheduling an appointment will take too long,” the doctor solemnly stated as he broke the bad news. We hurriedly gathered some extra clothes in a bag and made the long drive from the Woodlands to the medical center, my mother, father and I, all shell shocked. Nurses, assistants, and doctors came and went as we struggled to find a way to hope. On that winter day in 2018, we received the devastating diagnosis that my mother had late stage pancreatic cancer.
Sitting in the sterile hospital room, I had browser tabs open side by side for Psalm 121:1, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?” and “average life expectancy for pancreatic cancer patients;” my paralyzed mind unable to hold the two thoughts together. The most difficult moment came when my father called my sister to inform her. A man who rarely showed emotion was brought to his knees; unable to release the words into the world as if their restraint would change the reality before us. I had to take the phone from him and struggle through the sentence myself: “umma (mom) has pancreatic cancer.”
With the clarity of hindsight, God has revealed his wisdom, deep truths about his love, and his steadfastness that I was too myopic to see on that day. He choreographed finances, insurance sign ups, and human connections to provide compassionate care for her. With these things, he has reminded me that there is a continuation to Psalm 121: “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.“ As author and professor Kate Bowler writes in her book, No Cure for Being Human, “Burdened by the past, preoccupied by the present, or worried about the future. I had failed to appreciate the inestimable gift of a single moment.” God began to free me from these burdens and worries to be able to experience the precious moments in my life. Uncommon in Korean culture, I said “I love you” aloud to my dad for the first time as an adult— a sweet example of the cancer bringing a healing of sorts. God gently spoke to me that he loves my mother, more than I, or anyone on this earth, ever could. As I continue to struggle with the paradox of praying for extended life but also freedom from suffering for my mother, he lets me know that his great relief is coming (to my mother and to us all) and will ultimately bring him glory!