by Valerie Tompson, Executive Director at City Church
“Wait, aren’t you a doctor?” This is the question I am asked when I run into someone I grew up with but have not seen in years, which happens with some regularity as I am essentially a life-long Houstonian. That question inevitably provokes a voice inside my head that asks me again, “What if I should have been a doctor? What if I missed my calling?”
If I am honest, finding my calling has always been elusive for me. A double major in business and biology, a stint in public accounting, a semester in medical school, time as a physician assistant at Texas Children’s, years at home with my young children … and the list goes on. While to some it might seem like a list of accomplishments, to me, it mostly just feels like I cannot figure out who I want to be—a failure to find the “right” thing. I am envious of my husband, who knew what he wanted to do since high school on and lives a more content life, not changing his mind and thinking of how other options might be better.
Then I remember that God created each of us differently. If I reflect on my statement above “I cannot figure out who I want to be” – there is a lot of “I” in that sentence. Shouldn’t it be more important who my creator wants me to be? For a type A driven person who likes to be in control, the thought of God placing a calling on my life is both freeing and frightening. On the one hand, I don’t have to wear myself out trying to achieve and figure out what my calling is. But on the other hand, I don’t get to be in charge.
If we are all made differently, then a sense of calling may also look different. Maybe it’s not always that there is one thing out there that I have to find. Maybe it’s even good if my path is winding and littered with change. A turn here or there, and even a seeming step-back, doesn’t mean I’ve messed up. There is a sovereign God who has promised me ultimate good in eternal communion with him, so no matter if my path looks different than others, it will end in rest with him.
When I doubt and contemplate that I might have made a wrong decision, I remember that God spoke to Jonah and told him exactly what to do. And Jonah still made a wrong decision. For me, too, there will be times when I will make decisions that are not in line with God’s best for me. But just like God redirected Jonah, thus ensuring the mystery of his sovereign would prevail, so I take comfort from knowing that finding my purpose on this earth and my eternal security do not depend singularly on me and my choices. Thankfully it depends on a God who loves me, has redeemed me, and is sovereign. With that knowledge I am free to pursue my calling here on earth, even if it is not always clear to me what that is and I mess up along the way.
As a postscript, when I think back on the last thirty years of my life, I am grateful for where the winding road has led me. Do I feel like everyday I have finally found my calling? Most days I do! I love being City Church’s Executive Director and am finally in a season of not just contentment, but one of flourishing. I have also grown to realize that nothing on this earth is perfect, including finding a calling. God made me a certain way and always had a plan for me, not one I had to craft or even could have. I am learning to rest in the fact that God will continue to use me as he desires not because of my decisions but in spite of them. When I remember that, I can not simply rest, but actually thrive where I am.